Something Softer and Nicer Actually
by sunnelin
Summary: There is this: radagasts.tumblr. com/post/24556746375 and that's the try at a written story. (note: I'm not radagast) Avengers as rom-com au. Only characters from the movie. Enjoy with a warm cup of suspension of disbelief.
1. Intro

**Summary:** An Avengers AU where our beloved characters are tortured in a rom-com. Inspired by a fake "Love-Vengers...Actually"-movie poster on tumblr.

**Pairings:**oh so many. To be exact: In "Love...actually" there are nine pairings of which there will be six in this story because I only used AVengers-characters (and Darcy) from the movie (and that still leads to at least two crack pairings...). I wouldn't want to write them down here because I think (hope...) that part of the fun will be to find the counterparts. Though if you want to know them, just ask.

**Warnings:** Spoilers for "The Avengers", "Thor" and "Love...actually". Non-beta'd and written by a non-native speaker/writer. Gratuitous attempt at writing in general.

**Disclaimer:** Neither affiliated with "The Avengers" nor with "Love...actually".

**Author's Note:** Hi! So...my very first attempt at publishing fanfiction. At first I intended to start five weeks before Christmas (like in "Love...actually") but of course I didn't finish until then thus I will just update at random and hope that it'll end before Christmas. Each chapter is told from another character's POV...I didn't even try to distribute it evenly...hope it will be readable anyway. As I only read a few comics and never a full arc the characters are modelled after the movie. Though it still needs quite some suspension of disbelief (apparently Hill was barely ever on a mission before...yeah, I know). You are warned. Have fun.

* * *

**Intro:**

The new headquarters are almost finished and it has taken only a few months.  
Some roads still need paving and everybody is still figuring out the new location of the electrical sockets and the shortest way from one end to the other but over all the organisation is in a good state again.  
Of course they wanted to do a competition first.  
Of course they wanted some hypermodern, futuristic fuckery.  
Of course they wanted something completely different with years of planning and elaborate, award-winning buildings. Of course Stark couldn't keep to himself and suggested to help build the whole thing.  
To be honest I take some pride in the fact that everything looks just the way it used to, except a little bit shinier.  
It would be bad for morale should we have to work in some makeshift arrangement for years and it would be even worse if we would be reminded for the rest of our careers how our organisation had almost fallen. Don't turn my words against me, no one will forget the agents who lost their life during those fucked up days but only a full-functioning agent is a good agent.

Whenever the state of the world gives me a headache, I like to think of our bridge right after the successful completion of a dangerous mission, when everybody realizes that all agents survived, that nobody else than the intended fuckers are dead and that the goal was achieved.  
General opinion has it that our world is a world full of greed and anger and normally I am the first to agree with that but then there are those short moments when we are united in relief and when we are genuinely happy that the idiot who never greets you or the son of a bitch who always leaves the weights in the gym scattered around has survived another day. It's those things that keep me going. And yes, the achievement of my life may have a grim name but sometimes I think they are not only driven by the want to avenge but also by, well, something softer and nicer. Don't make me say it.


	2. Chapter 1

**Summary:** An Avengers AU where our beloved characters are tortured in a rom-com. Inspired by a fake "Love-Vengers...Actually"-movie poster on tumblr.

**Pairings:**oh so many. To be exact: In "Love...actually" there are nine pairings of which there will be six in this story because I only used AVengers-characters (and Darcy) from the movie (and that still leads to at least two crack pairings...). I wouldn't want to write them down here because I think (hope...) that part of the fun will be to find the counterparts. Though if you want to know them, just ask.

**Warnings:** Spoilers for "The Avengers", "Thor" and "Love...actually". Non-beta'd and written by a non-native speaker/writer. Gratuitous attempt at writing in general.

**Disclaimer:** Neither affiliated with "The Avengers" nor with "Love...actually".

**Author's Note:** Hi! So...my very first attempt at publishing fanfiction. At first I intended to start five weeks before Christmas (like in "Love...actually") but of course I didn't finish until then thus I will just update at random and hope that it'll end before Christmas. Each chapter is told from another character's POV...I didn't even try to distribute it evenly...hope it will be readable anyway. As I only read a few comics and never a full arc the characters are modelled after the movie. Though it still needs quite some suspension of disbelief (apparently Hill was barely ever on a mission before...yeah, I know). You are warned. Have fun.

* * *

**Chapter 1:**

The banister was shiny and smooth, with no scratches and colour still all around. But it was not just the banister, the whole building sparkled with newness. Everything looked clean and as it was Saturday there was almost nobody around to disturb the peace. He stopped for a moment and closed his eyes. Except for the smell, slightly pungent and chemical, probably the paint, it felt a little bit like Asgard where everything was always new and unscathed. It wouldn't stay that way for long.  
When he opened his eyes again he saw an agent mustering him through a glass door at the end of the entrance hall. He ignored her and walked down the stairs into the painfully brightly lit innards of the new headquarter. He needed a while to find the entrance to the prison cells and he already dreaded the way back. After he announced his arrival to the guard he waited until the heavy doors opened and then stepped into the corridor with the prison cells. Two guards led him to a cell at the far end of the corridor.

"You will have to type in your personalised access code", the man said and pointed to a tiny case next to the doorknob with even tinier buttons.  
Of course he missed the first few times, he had expected it, and he ignored the looks the two guards shared.

"Please say your name" a robotic, genderless voice said. He looked at the guards.

"Eyes can be stolen" the woman explained, "but this puppy will recognize it immediately if someone uses a sound recording."  
Of course. Like everything else on earth that was as magic-proof as it would get.

"Thor Odinson" he said and with a click the door sprang back.  
He wasn't in the cell yet but he could see Loki already as he was only separated through a wall with a giant mirror glass. He frowned.

"There are no windows" he remarked and turned to the guards. They both shrugged. "There never were any before" the man explained. "And we feed him enough vitamin D, no need to be worried. If you repeat the typing and speaking at that door you can enter" he explained.  
"We will wait here" the woman added. He turned to the door again but first peeped through the glass. The room was painted in bright white and there was only a bed, a table with a chair and a toilet bowl, all spread out and with no chance to hide from spectators on the other side of the glass, or, from Loki's side, mirror. Loki laid on the bed, left arm covering his eyes.

He managed to type in the correct code on the third try, said his name again and stepped into the cell. The man made sure to close it fast behind him.  
Loki didn't acknowledge his presence and only his soft breathing indicated that he was actually alive.

"Hello, brother" he began and sat down on the chair. He stared on the figure on the bed, trying to blend out the mirror and what was behind it.  
"How are you?" He took the book he had bought out of his pocket and laid it on the table. "I brought you a book. There is this huge house close to Tony's tower that is filled with books, the company of Barnes and Noble. Though the woman who sold me the book was called Richardson. I brought you one from the section with fiction though there are countless other sections and if you ever crave something else..." The door sprang back and banged at the wall. Surprised Thor jumped up as the man had drawn his weapon and was walking inside. The woman stood in the door, also with a weapon in hand.

"No gifts allowed!" he snarled and pointed to the book. Thor frowned. "They were allowed in his old lodging."  
"Yes, but this is his new lodging" he mocked. "And honestly we're kinda in a vacuum here what with all that new stuff and nothing working yet and unless we can see a permission form you will not be allowed to even sneeze at him." Thor frowned and mustered the guard.  
"Don't make it more complicated, Mister Odinson" the woman chimed in. "We're sorry but we don't have any orders yet. We will ask for the guidelines on Monday but until then no gifts are allowed." Slowly Thor grabbed the book and then thrust it at the guard. With a quick movement of his left arm he caught it and stepped back out of the cell.

Loki hadn't said anything but he had moved his left arm down and there was a wide grin on his face though his eyes were still closed.

"They seem to be a little scared" Thor commented and sat down again.

"Scared? I have half of that incompetent organisation in my room when I lift my hand to scratch my nose." Loki opened his eyes and looked at Thor.  
"Now, how do you want me to torture without equipment?"

"I don't want to torture you, I want to keep you company."

"But every word out of your mouth is torture. Please keep it short today." He stared at the ceiling.

"I will" Thor answered and if Loki was surprised by that answer he did not show it.

"I only have a little time but I wanted to see you and ask how you are." He waited for a moment. During the last months he had learnt how to talk to thin air and had a feeling for when he could continue.

"Do you like your new cell?" Loki rolled his eyes, probably involuntarily.

"You know you could have it better" Thor answered as if he had talked to him. "If you just cooperated." After a while he continued.  
"In two weeks time there will come a delegation from Asgard. I heard that Fandral and Sif will be among them. They will want to take you back to punish you at home."

Loki's demeanour hardened as if his whole body was tensing. Thor tried a joke.  
"I have a feeling that Tony will get to know Sif's right-hander. Maybe I will ask Clint for a bet, he had her already met her back when...in the desert."  
He kneaded his hands.

"Delegation?" Loki's voice was soft and almost inaudible. "Yes, I..." "Odin sends a delegation?" he asked and the word 'delegation' fell out of his mouth as if it was a piece of dirt. Thor could only guess the reason behind his brother's cold anger.

"Do not read too much into that, brother. It is just..."

"Stop it!" Loki ordered. "I do not need any of your brutish excuses."

He could not help it. "Please forgive me if they are not as elaborate as your lies, dear brother." He leant back in the chair and waited for a response but the only thing that happened was that Loki relaxed and closed his eyes again. He concentrated on his breathing for a few minutes, a technique he had learnt from Bruce.

"This is in two weeks" he then said and concluded that subject. "But this afternoon there will be the wedding." Loki opened his eyes again.

"I have told you about that, brother" he continued. "Did you know that it is customary on earth to have a celebration before the wedding? Usually men and women celebrate separately but there is no woman in this wedding and so we all celebrated in Miami one night ago. Tony made Bruce drunk and...well, Phil and Maria, I mean Agent Coulson and Agent Hill, are now there and clean up. But it was an amusing night."

Loki closed his eyes again and started to rub the spot between them.

"Unfortunately Clint and Natasha had to go on a mission shortly before and Clint could not come to Miami and Natasha missed the trip to a bathhouse that Tony had offered to her and Pepper."

He broke his resolution and looked over to the glass but there was no clock in this room and he didn't know how long he was already here. He decided to go.

"I have to go now but I try to visit again soon. And I will bring you more books." Loki intensified the rubbing. Thor stood up and shoved the chair back at the table. He waited a few moments then he turned around and left the room. Or, better, tried to leave, he needed several attempts again until his fingers had hit the correct buttons.

The guards were standing outside. Without a word he extended his arm and took the book back then he turned around and left the ward.

* * *

As he had feared he got lost on his way back and he was walking through the corridors, trying to find stairs that would lead him out when he turned around a corner and stood before Clint and Natasha.

"Hey there" Clint said. They both carried a duffel bag over their shoulders and wore the clothes they used for sparring. He felt relief flood through him.

"Friends. you are back. Do you know where I can find the way out?" Natasha laughed. "We are actually going back home now, just follow us." They went back the way Thor had come until they reached the last junction, then they turned right.

"How's your brother?" Natasha asked. "Fine, as always" Thor answered. He didn't want to mention the lack of a window or that he wasn't allowed to bring him a simple book.

They reached the stairs and Thor looked back down the corridor. "The new prison ward is straight, third left, straight, third right and right again" Natasha explained without being asked and passed him. Clint clapped him on the shoulder.

"I did not know you would have a training today" Thor said when they stepped to the cab waiting for them.

"We didn't, these are just the only clothes in the new HQ" Clint explained. "We just came back from the mission. We had to...cut it short."

He had an unsettling suspicion that it meant nothing good for the target of the mission.

"And by the way, Point Break!" Clint said. "I can't believe I missed the stag night! Tony says it was legendary. Did Bruce really...?"  
Thor chuckled. "Bruce made the damage on the beach, the demolished arena was entirely Tony's fault. He tried a new suit but it did not go so well."  
Clint hooted. "I hope there is footage." He looked over to Natasha who was glaring at her phone. "What?"

"Our car to the registry hall comes at half past one? I thought we had till two! I will never be ready by then!" She put the phone back and stared gloomily out of the window. "Why did he send us at all?" she murmured and tried to scare the surrounding traffic away with her death glare.

"What are you going to wear?" Thor asked and brought a smile back on her face. "You will see." Her smile didn't vanish for a long time.

"I wished I had the garb I wore when we had high guests from other realms" Thor said more to himself than to the assassins. The cabbie frowned.  
"The gold on my armour. And my helmet." Clint hid his laughter behind a coughing fit. "A helmet?" Natasha slammed her elbow into his ribcage.  
"You will still look great" she assured Thor. "Pepper told me of the new suit." Thor nodded miserably. "It does not even come with a corselet."  
The cabbie's frown grew deeper.


	3. Chapter 2

**Summary:** An Avengers AU where our beloved characters are tortured in a rom-com. Inspired by a fake "Love-Vengers...Actually"-movie poster on tumblr.

**Pairings:**oh so many. To be exact: In "Love...actually" there are nine pairings of which there will be six in this story because I only used AVengers-characters (and Darcy) from the movie (and that still leads to at least two crack pairings...). I wouldn't want to write them down here because I think (hope...) that part of the fun will be to find the counterparts. Though if you want to know them, just ask.

**Warnings:** Spoilers for "The Avengers", "Thor" and "Love...actually". Non-beta'd and written by a non-native speaker/writer. Gratuitous attempt at writing in general.

**Disclaimer:** Neither affiliated with "The Avengers" nor with "Love...actually".

**Author's Note:** Hi! So...my very first attempt at publishing fanfiction. At first I intended to start five weeks before Christmas (like in "Love...actually") but of course I didn't finish until then thus I will just update at random and hope that it'll end before Christmas. Each chapter is told from another character's POV...I didn't even try to distribute it evenly...hope it will be readable anyway. As I only read a few comics and never a full arc the characters are modelled after the movie. Though it still needs quite some suspension of disbelief (apparently Hill was barely ever on a mission before...yeah, I know). You are warned. Have fun.

* * *

**Chapter 2:**  
"This is outrageous! This insolence will have consequences! You can't just go around destroying stadiums! Do you know how many Superbowls were held in that stadium? Do you know how much it costs to rebuild it? And people could have died!"

They both waited for the mayor to continue, backs straight, faces empty. They hadn't accepted the chairs in front of the mayor's desk and so all three of them were standing around. He had rambled for several minutes now and there were some specks of spit on the waxed tabletop but as far as she could see, not one of them had reached her. Good.

The mayor frowned, the silence made him uncomfortable. It was time to do the job. She put the little case on the table, avoiding the spit specks, and took a file out.

"You will see in this file that the cause of the unfortunate destruction of the Miami Dolphins' stadium was a leaking gas pipe" Phil explained.

The mayor was taken by surprise. "Gas? There are no gas pipes...It was Iron Man! He destroyed the stadium!" They ignored him.

"The city of Miami, the Miami Dolphins as well as countless mourning fans were shocked" Maria continued. "But even now there was hope for a group of wealthy Dolphins admirers, who would like to remain anonymous, decided to rebuild the stadium, bigger and better. Rumours that said that Tony Stark was the culprit were all wrong, especially since Mister Stark had left Miami two hours before the unfortunate accident to prepare for his upcoming wedding in New York" she closed and slid the file over the table. "An examination about the person to blame for the explosion ended without result."

The mayor was at a painfully obvious loss for words and stared at the two of them. "This...But, are you...is this...are you threatening me?" His eyes widened with almost fear as he stared at Phil. She did not need to turn her head to see that he was using his Shield-smile now.

"We are not threatening you" he said, "We are telling you how it was."  
She closed the case again. "You have a chance to build your own legacy here" she continued Phil's speech. "How many mayors can say that they built a whole stadium without using one tax penny?"

The mayor opened and closed his mouth without a single tone coming out. It was petty and stupid but she always liked the moments when their targets struggled between their convictions, their problems and their self-hate, it was amusing to see all those emotions wave over their faces. It went better than expected and finally he broke. He straightened his shoulders and sat down at his table. "My secretary will show you the door" he growled and opened the file. She looked to Phil who was still smiling creepily down at the mayor.

"We will be watching you" she then said and turned around. "Thank you for your cooperation" Phil added and they left the city hall.

* * *

It was noon when they climbed in their car that drove them back to the airport. For a while they wallowed in awkward silence. They both watched the world outside drive by, darkened by the glass, they saw the destroyed stadium that looked like the Coliseum now and, in the distance, excavators digging something on the beach.

These were the arduous parts of their missions. At first she had loved to leave the bridge in HQ or helicarrier more often for missions concerning the Avengers, and she still did, no question. Fury once let it drop that it was a tiny bit fucking uncanny how good she was at intimidating. It was probably his way of warning her that she should not get lost in that attitude. She wouldn't, thanks. But then there always were those moments on every mission that she had not been trained for and she had not found a way to cope with them yet.  
Especially moments like these.  
Especially moments with him.

He interrupted her train of thoughts. "I'm sorry" she said and turned to him.  
He cleared his throat. "I was asking whether you will need a car to bring you to your apartment. We are short on time and I thought that...maybe we should better..." She shook her head violently. "No, I'm fine. I have everything in my bag and I will change in the plane." He nodded."Me too." "We can drive directly to the hall" she added needlessly. "Very good."

She had to suppress a relieved exhale when they finally turned to the airport but of course the awkwardness was not gone for long.  
The plane was ready for takeoff and they had to sit opposite each other in their seats. She did not know what to say. The motor made the seat vibrate softly under her bottom.

"How's the lung?" She had asked that last week already. Maybe it had changed, who knew.

Phil turned away from the tiny window. "Fine, thank you. And in two weeks I can hand in the corset for my back."

"Awesome."

"Yes. It will be nice to pick up training again. I feel like I'm all rusty and..." He trailed off and stared at his fingers. She smiled. Why did she smile? At least he smiled too.

"And I hate the feeling that I could be taken out by any pencil pusher coming along." "Oh, no..."

She had to say something. "I read that you moved recently." That came out so wrong. "I mean...I saw your file...I mean, I didn't..." She hung her head in shame and when he started to chuckle she couldn't suppress the blush any longer.

"Yeah, matter of fact. I guess...well, I won't need a bigger apartment anymore and so I thought...why not..." With every passing second it got worse. She was the worst. "I'm sorry."

"No need. That comes with the job and all..."

Her brain was wiped and she clung to the case in her lap.

Suddenly he laughed. "When I first met Thor, back in New Mexico, he thought my father's name was Coul...because Coulson...Son of Coul." They laughed.  
"And then a few months ago, after Tony found out about that, he hacked my file and changed my name to Phillip Coul Coulson. I think he persuaded some of the new agents that it is my real second name."

She smiled. "But you have changed it back?"

"Of course."

"Right. Well, my file was always correct, I've always been just Maria."

He smiled again. "That's good to know, just Maria."

She contemplated whether she should flee now to the bathroom and wrinkle her nice dress for the rest of the flight or whether she should wait and simmer in her stupidity in order to look nice at the wedding.  
"I think I'm going to change now...dress...paint my face, everything."

"Of course."


	4. Chapter 3

**Summary:** An Avengers AU where our beloved characters are tortured in a rom-com. Inspired by a fake "Love-Vengers...Actually"-movie poster on tumblr.

**Pairings:**oh so many. To be exact: In "Love...actually" there are nine pairings of which there will be six in this story because I only used AVengers-characters (and Darcy) from the movie (and that still leads to at least two crack pairings...). I wouldn't want to write them down here because I think (hope...) that part of the fun will be to find the counterparts. Though if you want to know them, just ask.

**Warnings:** Spoilers for "The Avengers", "Thor" and "Love...actually". Non-beta'd and written by a non-native speaker/writer. Gratuitous attempt at writing in general.

**Disclaimer:** Neither affiliated with "The Avengers" nor with "Love...actually".

**Author's Note:** Hi! So...my very first attempt at publishing fanfiction. At first I intended to start five weeks before Christmas (like in "Love...actually") but of course I didn't finish until then thus I will just update at random and hope that it'll end before Christmas. Each chapter is told from another character's POV...I didn't even try to distribute it evenly...hope it will be readable anyway. As I only read a few comics and never a full arc the characters are modelled after the movie. Though it still needs quite some suspension of disbelief (apparently Hill was barely ever on a mission before...yeah, I know). You are warned. Have fun.

* * *

**Chapter 3:**

He observed how Clint and Natasha found Thor and showed him the way out of the labyrinth. He tipped on Clint's head on the screen and his file appeared below him. It worked perfectly. He pushed the folders he was reading aside and switched through the different cameras and made a little tour through the HQ on a quiet Saturday morning.

Loki sat at the table in his cell and ate lunch.

The meeting in room 401 was not finished yet. He tipped on the ear next to the screen and listened for a moment. They would not be finished for a long time.

Three agents on break were smoking in the park.

He was playing with the size of the image when a mail popped up on the screen. He read it and wrote a quick reply, then he opened the mailbox and tried to find out whether all mails would just randomly pop up upon arriving. That might become annoying. After a little trying, and some curses, he found the settings and saw that only his five highest agents, Stark and the newsletter of a porn site were set to that. He erased Stark and the newsletter from the list and went back to the surveillance cameras.

He switched to the camera in his office and then to the front room and that's when he saw it. Someone was in the front room.  
He clicked on the head of the person and read the file. She certainly did not work here.

He would kill Stark and his new safety system. Maybe not today, maybe even after his honeymoon, depending on whether the wine tonight would be drinkable, but he would kill him.

He stood up and walked out of his office, right hand around his gun. She was now sitting at a desk in the far back, rummaging through the cabinet behind her and taking out random folders.  
He decided to go for the non-threatening: "Hey!"

She shrieked and jumped up, obviously it was still too threatening and then a reflex kicked in and his hand raised the gun to her head so he decided to go with it.  
"Turn around, Missy, and tell me in less than five words what you are doing here in my office on a goddamn Saturday morning!"

She had her arms over her head and squinted at the barrel pointed at her forehead. "I'm working" she shrieked, "Or, I will be working on Monday morning and my future boss wanted to train me today and by 'train me' I mean show me where to find copy paper and how to work the copier and how to make coffee not turn out to be shit and who I would have to follow around on Monday but she had to go on a mission and I already had all the codes and she said there is always somebody working here and I thought I would show my good intentions and come in anyway and make myself accustomed and I really thought it would be a good idea because she obviously expected me to come on a weekend morning and I thought I would give out a good impression if I came even if I didn't have to and obviously it was a shit idea and...please put that thing away." She breathed heavily. "Those were more than five words" she added and it sounded something between apologetic and challenging.

He lowered the gun but didn't put it back in the holster yet. "Your boss?" "Agent Hill. She had to go on a mission. I will be her new DUM-E. That's one of Tony Stark's robots and I've heard him call other people's flunkies and secretaries that way, among other people also my humble self. Of course he would never call his own people DUM-E but that's Tony, right? And I don't have a real training as a secretary so I will be a flunky for Agent Hill."

He had heard Hill talking about that. She had often complained that they needed at least one new secretary, especially since he had given her the extra task with the Avengers until Coulson would be fully resilient again.  
He frowned and tried to remember whether he had actually allowed it.  
"You know Tony Stark?"  
Now she frowned too. "Who doesn't? But I know what you mean. Yes, I do know him though not personally. I met him when he pestered my old boss in her lab and told her what she was doing wrong. Which she actually didn't. Yes, I was present the day that Tony Stark was wrong on a scientific subject. It was exactly...two months and four days ago, if you want to know. But now my boss moved on and I am here and I should really stop talking. It is in my report that I talk too much and to be honest I think my new boss only gave me the job because the prospect of letting me out of her earshot gave her cramps."

He raised an eyebrow in agreement and put the gun back. "And who was your former boss?"

"Jane Foster, astrophysicist, fairy and the only one who could wield Thor's hammer. I'm sorry, that was low. She just received the chair in Stanford and is now in sunny California. Can you believe that? What shit have you achieved by the age of 35?" She broke off, mouth half open, and looked at him as if she was recognizing him just now.

He raised his second eyebrow and suppressed the urge to grin.

"Oh shit, I'm so sorry. I'm sure you had achieved plenty by then. I think I meant the question more rhetorically. For you, anyway. For me more literally." She sighed.

"So you're an astrophysicist too?" He could hardly believe it.  
She cringed visibly. "Not really. I studied political science and I needed those damn points and I was late and Jane...Miss Foster was the only one who would still take me at that time and she turned out to be totally obsessed and then one day came this blonde bodybuilder out of the sky and I tased him and Jane fell in love with him and everything went to shit and I say shit too often, I'm so sorry, boss, it will never happen again."

"It's okay. Only 'fuck' will bring you into trouble here."

She smiled in relief. "I'm glad. I had already nightmares that I would fuck up on my first day and now I managed to do it even befo...oh shit." She clapped her hands to her mouth.

He gave up and laughed out.

"I will hide myself now" she mumbled and grabbed for her bag on the floor.  
He stepped aside and let her pass between the desks. Her cheeks were glowing but she held her head high and did not flinch.  
"Never mind. It was very...attentive of you but you can see that everybody is sorta preparing for the wedding reception and Monday morning will be late enough to start training." She turned around. Her eyes were like dark amber.

"Thank you..." She wanted to start another ramblings but she read his stern gaze correctly. "Thank you." He nodded and watched her disappear down the stairs, then he walked back into his office and switched Darcy Lewis' file to his screen again and this time he read it from virtual cover to virtual cover.

And because he had given in to laughter already he also gave in to the urge to bang his head on the table.


	5. Chapter 4

**Summary:** An Avengers AU where our beloved characters are tortured in a rom-com. Inspired by a fake "Love-Vengers...Actually"-movie poster on tumblr.

**Pairings:**oh so many. To be exact: In "Love...actually" there are nine pairings of which there will be six in this story because I only used AVengers-characters (and Darcy) from the movie (and that still leads to at least two crack pairings...). I wouldn't want to write them down here because I think (hope...) that part of the fun will be to find the counterparts. Though if you want to know them, just ask.

**Warnings:** Spoilers for "The Avengers", "Thor" and "Love...actually". Non-beta'd and written by a non-native speaker/writer. Gratuitous attempt at writing in general.

**Disclaimer:** Neither affiliated with "The Avengers" nor with "Love...actually".

**Author's Note:** Hi! So...my very first attempt at publishing fanfiction. At first I intended to start five weeks before Christmas (like in "Love...actually") but of course I didn't finish until then thus I will just update at random and hope that it'll end before Christmas. Each chapter is told from another character's POV...I didn't even try to distribute it evenly...hope it will be readable anyway. As I only read a few comics and never a full arc the characters are modelled after the movie. Though it still needs quite some suspension of disbelief (apparently Hill was barely ever on a mission before...yeah, I know). You are warned. Have fun.

* * *

**Chapter 4:**

"I'm already sick of all that Christmas stuff."

"Mhm."

"It's been everywhere for, what, one month now? If I see one more red pointed cap with a white tassel I will shout."

"Mhm."  
It was the usual Saturday rush in the city but the car muffled it to a pleasant hum. They were waiting at a red light and he observed a little boy, lost between a forest of legs, his little fist in his mother's jacket. She was talking on the phone and he was captivated by a crack in the pavement and jumped back and forth, always tackling a leg of another pedestrian.

"There's one! That's it! I'm going back and put on the suit and go a little haywire on every Christmas tree and ornament and light in this city."

He felt a slight jolt when the car moved again and he lost the little boy out of sight.

"See this over there in that window? It's a reindeer out of a chain of lights wearing a Santa-Claus-cap. In November! It's an offe..." "Tony!"

He turned his head. "Yes?"

"It's okay." He didn't want to but Tony's badly hidden excitement and nervousness made him grin and, oh marvel, he who never did what was asked of him, did shut up.

"Is it that bad?" he asked.

Tony frowned. "Yeah. I mean they always say that the customers want it but I have never actually heard that from..." "Tony!" "Yes?"

"I didn't mean that."

The following grunt was either a 'yes' or a 'no' or maybe nothing at all but after that Tony was silent again for ten blessed seconds.  
Then he grabbed into his pocket and, for the umpteenth time today, checked on the ring.

Bruce smiled. "It is still there and it is still pretty."  
Tony closed it and put it back again. "I know."  
The driver turned right and they approached a human wall with blinding flashlights. Security stepped in and ushered them aside to make a small tunnel for the car. Behind the wall the street was empty.

He turned right again and they saw the old building. "Do you have any more surprises?" Bruce asked.

"Nope."

"Not like in Miami."

"Yep."

"I will only drink things that come with a sealed lid today."

"Yep."

Tony had his eyes closed and was breathing deeply. "Bruce?"

"Yes?"

"How do you call it when you are scared and kinda sick but not really scared and when you kinda enjoy it to be scared but it is also kinda unbearable and you feel like your chest might explode?"

"Scared and chest explosion minus the enjoyment means you're hulking out. Though I don't know what it is called if you like it."

Tony turned his head. His eyes were comically wide but Bruce knew it was not because he feared his fellow passenger might explode.  
Bruce bopped his arm and smiled. "Good luck, Tony!"

The car halted and their doors were opened. He saw the other guests already waiting, Clint and Phil, both wearing black suits, which looked normal on Phil and uncanny on Clint as he only wore them when he was on a mission, Natasha in a long, dark green robe chatting with Fury, who looked odd without his coat, and Maria, who wore a knee-lenght dress in a colour that was probably called pale rose while Pepper in a blue dress with a shawl, tissues already clutched to her chest, stood between Happy with a bright violet tie and Rhodey in his uniform.

He turned around and saw the other car halting behind theirs. For a brief moment he wondered whether it had been a good idea to inflict the task of calming Steve's nerves on an alien god, then he heard the laughter and something that sounded like a battle cry from Thor and they both appeared.

Pepper had done a perfect job with Thor's outfit, from the cut of the pants right down to the colour of the tie which had the exact same shade like the cape in which he had arrived from Asgard.

Steve beamed and took Tony's arm, shaking him out of his stupor.

Maybe it had been a better idea than making him Tony's best man.

He walked up to the others and greeted them.  
Pepper hugged everyone who came too close to her and almost didn't let go of Tony and Steve anymore.  
When she finally released them they stepped up the stairs to the hall, other guests trailing along and he took his old, bulgy video camera out of his pocket and started to tape.

* * *

"And now that they have proven that they have made this decision of their own free will" the clerk smiled apologetically and peeped on his cheat sheet again, "we have gathered here in the presence of these witnesses today for the purpose to unite in matrimony Steven Rogers and Anthony Stark."

Tony was rocking on his feet, eyes locked with Steve. They held hands, Steve stroking the back of Tony's hand with his thumb. Every so often he would close his eyes and smile until Tony couldn't keep back either and when he opened them again he could see his smile through a veil.

"A contracted marriage is most solemn and is not to be entered into lightly but thoughtfully and seriously and with a deep realisation of its obligations and responsibilities. You have decided to change rings."  
Tony immediately put his hand in his pocket and Steve almost giggled.

The clerk looked at him and continued. "Steven. Do you take Anthony to be your lawfully wedded spouse? Do you promise to love and comfort him, to honour and to keep him, in sickness and in health, in prosperity and adversity until death shall you part?" And when Steve spoke it was hoarse and gentle, as if only for Tony's ears.

"I do."

He held his hand out and Tony slipped the golden ring on his finger.

Behind them Pepper rustled with her tissue to hide her choked sobs.

The clerk turned to Tony.

"Anthony. Do you take Steven to be your lawfully wedded spouse? Do you promise to love and comfort him, to honour and keep him, in sickness and in health, in prosperity and in adversity until death shall you part?" He spoke louder, of course, and choked before he dared to open his mouth.

"I do."

And Steve slipped the golden ring on his finger.

"And by the virtue of authority invested by me from the state of New York I now pronounce you husbands. Thank you." The clerk lowered the sheet and looked at them.

Behind them they started to clap until Tony went in for a kiss.  
As they looked over their family and received the first congratulations neither of them knew what to say but their smiles did enough.  
Bruce held the camera higher and turned around his own axis while they walked out of the door. In the last two chairs Natasha had grabbed Clint's hand.

But when the doors opened everybody paused in their actions.

From somewhere the sound of violins could be heard, first only in soft waves then continually louder.

Steve turned to Tony. "Did you do this?"

For the first chorus a cello began, then came the trumpets.

"No..." Tony answered and shook his head.

They stepped out on the corridor and marvelled at the little ensemble.  
Behind the other guests Bruce and Thor high-fived.

"Did you do this?" Rhodey asked. "Isn't that the new violinist at the Philharmonic?"

Bruce nodded and zoomed in on Steve and Tony sharing their very first dance. "It's an ensemble of theirs. I had the idea for the music and Thor came up with the song."

"I heard it in a taxi a few weeks ago" Thor added and grinned. "A wonderful ballad. Love is all you need."


	6. Chapter 5

**Summary:** An Avengers AU where our beloved characters are tortured in a rom-com. Inspired by a fake "Love-Vengers...Actually"-movie poster on tumblr.

**Pairings:**oh so many. To be exact: In "Love...actually" there are nine pairings of which there will be six in this story because I only used AVengers-characters (and Darcy) from the movie (and that still leads to at least two crack pairings...). I wouldn't want to write them down here because I think (hope...) that part of the fun will be to find the counterparts. Though if you want to know them, just ask.

**Warnings:** Spoilers for "The Avengers", "Thor" and "Love...actually". Non-beta'd and written by a non-native speaker/writer. Gratuitous attempt at writing in general.

**Disclaimer:** Neither affiliated with "The Avengers" nor with "Love...actually".

**Author's Note:** Hi! So...my very first attempt at publishing fanfiction. At first I intended to start five weeks before Christmas (like in "Love...actually") but of course I didn't finish until then thus I will just update at random and hope that it'll end before Christmas. Each chapter is told from another character's POV...I didn't even try to distribute it evenly...hope it will be readable anyway. As I only read a few comics and never a full arc the characters are modelled after the movie. Though it still needs quite some suspension of disbelief (apparently Hill was barely ever on a mission before...yeah, I know). You are warned. Have fun.

* * *

**Chapter 5:**

There was no night anymore in Stark Expo and there was more than day. Flood lights in all colours were shining into the sky, lightning from cameras and the shrieks and shouts of journalists turned earth in a thunder storm and the traffic jam went on for several blocks.

Thousands of people had eaten and now thousands of people were drinking and dancing and waiting for the morning.  
Steve and Tony had done their round and smiled for one million pictures and shaken hands for hours, now they were dancing again.  
She could see several dark figures on the far end of the hall, sitting around a table that was littered with empty bottles and wondered why agents always preferred black. Rhodey had stepped outside with other military guests a few minutes ago and Happy was dancing with one of the many starlets that were invited, whether she was very cunning or very delusional she could not say from her spot.  
She could not see Thor either and for a moment a wave of anxiety crashed over her but then she remembered that tonight may be organised in the name of Stark Industries but that she had no responsibility at all and she pushed all unsettling thoughts about hammers and the pride of ancestors away.  
She tried to make out the different persons at the Shield table but she couldn't recognize anyone.

She waved a waiter over and changed her empty glass for a full one.  
When she turned around she saw Bruce. He sat at a small table at the far end of the hall, his old-fashioned cam recorder pointed to the dance floor, probably on Steve and Tony. Even tonight, surrounded by thousands of people, he had found a way to hide. She decided to walk the obstacle course to his table and started to slalom through the guests.

He did not see her coming and almost let the camera drop when she spoke up.  
"Have you danced tonight?"

He startled and hastily closed the camera.  
"Excuse me, what?"

She pulled a chair over and sat down next to him.  
"I haven't seen you dance all night. It's a serious lapse and we should catch up immediately."

He smiled, arms propped up on his knees and stared on the floor.  
"It doesn't have to be me. There are more and especially more beautiful actresses here tonight than at the Oscar ceremony. Just say a name and she shall be yours."

He laughed. "Thanks, but I shouldn't. All those flashing lights and those people and the noise...I don't want to make a bad surprise."

She nodded. "Are you alright?"

"Yes, thank you. It's really not that bad, I just felt that I shouldn't be too close to...just to be sure that nothing...you never know."

"I don't mean that."

He leaned back and turned his head, a deep frown on his face. She continued.

"I mean, I don't know you that well but I had the feeling that you were even more silent than usual tonight and I thought I might ask you in case you have something you want to talk about and..."

"No no!" he interrupted. "It's nothing...just the usual me...I think all those happy people just emphasize what a killjoy I actually am..."

She smiled and shook her head but let it drop.

They looked over the dance floor, both waiting for the other to say something.

"So, the DJ" Bruce finally spoke up.

"Oh yes..." she groaned.

"How much did you pay him?"

"I don't want to say a number or we'll both break out in tears."

He laughed. "I think you should claim half of it back."

"Actually he should give back three fourth, believe me" she answered. "But yeah, he is terrible. I hope there are no music journalists here."

"I think the next song decides."

"Definitely."

They listened together to the last beats of the current song, a pop song by a former contestant winner and then the next one began.

"Come on!" she yelled but no one even turned around.

"It's not puppy love!" Bruce shouted and they both laughed.

"He's the worst" she said. "Worst DJ ever!"

They listened to the deep voice of the singer who sounded like a hoarse Elvis.  
"I think it's for Steve" Bruce said after a while. She was sceptical and shook her head.

"I mean" he explained "He played many oldies tonight. Someone must have told him that Steve likes them but I guess he didn't know how old exactly they had to be for...or he just doesn't have any music from before the Sixties." That made actually sense.

She snorted. "Maybe you're right. Still the worst DJ in his paygrade."

"Not arguing with that."

They watched Tony and Steve dance for a while until she saw something in corner of her eye. She pointed over.

"See that girl with Happy?"

He squinted. "I...yes. I feel like I should know her from somewhere."

"Billboards. She's an actress." She tried to underline the invisible quotation marks around 'actress'.

He nodded. "Might be. Is she good?"

"Not at all. And so very arrogant for such a homely person. I'm not sure whether she is so stupid and thinks Happy is a halfway point to Tony or whether she is so stupid and believes that Happy is a rich Canadian manager as Tony whispered when he introduced her."

Bruce chuckled. "I'm positive it's the latter, Tony is married now."

She laughed out loud. "Oh Bruce! Sweet, innocent Bruce!"

He blushed and scratched his neck. "What, I mean, even the most ruthless..." His argument got lost under her laughter.

"I'm sorry" she giggled and patted his shoulder.

"It's fine. Tony told me of your old job...when you still had to bring out the...I think he called it trash..."

She emptied her glass. "I said that, actually."

He inhaled in mocking indignation. "Pepper!"

"What? You should have seen them! And how they treated Happy and JARVIS and...me. There once was this blonde journalist in Malibu who..."  
She moved the chair around and before long they had forgotten everything around them.


	7. Chapter 6

**Summary:** An Avengers AU where our beloved characters are tortured in a rom-com. Inspired by a fake "Love-Vengers...Actually"-movie poster on tumblr.

**Pairings:**oh so many. To be exact: In "Love...actually" there are nine pairings of which there will be six in this story because I only used AVengers-characters (and Darcy) from the movie (and that still leads to at least two crack pairings...). I wouldn't want to write them down here because I think (hope...) that part of the fun will be to find the counterparts. Though if you want to know them, just ask.

**Warnings:** Spoilers for "The Avengers", "Thor" and "Love...actually". Non-beta'd and written by a non-native speaker/writer. Gratuitous attempt at writing in general.

**Disclaimer:** Neither affiliated with "The Avengers" nor with "Love...actually".

**Author's Note:** Hi! So...my very first attempt at publishing fanfiction. At first I intended to start five weeks before Christmas (like in "Love...actually") but of course I didn't finish until then thus I will just update at random and hope that it'll end before Christmas. Each chapter is told from another character's POV...I didn't even try to distribute it evenly...hope it will be readable anyway. As I only read a few comics and never a full arc the characters are modelled after the movie. Though it still needs quite some suspension of disbelief (apparently Hill was barely ever on a mission before...yeah, I know). You are warned. Have fun.

* * *

**Chapter 6:**

It had started to rain the night before and the whole world was dipped in grey.

She flicked through a folder and saw numbers and words but did not catch their meaning. She looked outside and saw that they were driving over a bridge. The silence was not bearable today.

"Did you have fun at the wedding, Happy?" she asked and looked into the rear view mirror.

"Oh, loads of it, Pep. It was awesome. I met this girl, Tony introduced us...I think you greeted her too..."

"Yes, I did. What's her name again?"

"Kylie."

"Kylie, right."

It seemed as if he didn't like the silence either. "And the ceremony in Brooklyn was just beautiful."

Pepper smiled. "Yes, it was. I'm glad I remembered tissues. I'm just a terrible cry baby."

Happy chuckled. "Not just you."  
He changed lane. "Even Natasha blinked suspiciously often."

Pepper put the folder back in her bag. "Yeah, because the sun blinded her. We're talking about an assassin here."

"No, no" Happy insisted. "When they each said their speech before the vows she grabbed Clint's hand and didn't let go until the very end."

She let that sink in a while. "Happy, don't let her hear that. She might think you spied on her and kill you in your sleep."

He laughed. "Don't worry, I can take care of myself."

She smiled but didn't say anything.

They were surpassed by a cab when her phone started ringing. She picked it up, not expecting anyone at the moment. The call came from the tower.

"Pepper speaking" she said.

"Hello."

She sat up. "JARVIS?"

Happy frowned and looked into the mirror. She shot him a questioning look.

"Yes."

He sounded normal but an AI always did and she knew that something was wrong.

"Is there an emergency in the tower?"

"No, no emergency. Everything is fine. I'm alone."

She did not know what to say. JARVIS was not normally so curt.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yes, it is."

She frowned. She had the feeling that it was the 'yes' of someone who wanted the other to know that nothing was okay.

"Are you sure?"

He seemed to hesitate. "I only wanted to ask whether you have news from Sir."

She leant back in the seat. "Tony? He's fine, I'm sure. They should be in Southern France now." Again it was followed by a long silence.

"Yes. Thank you, Pepper. I see that your meeting at Shield begins in fifteen minutes, I will..."

"JARVIS" she interrupted, "Tell me what's wrong."

"It's just...I was..." It was strange to hear a computer ramble.

"I have no connection with him."

"What do you mean?"

"Usually I always know where Sir is and I'm always connected to him, through the suit or when he is in the tower or the lab or even only over his phone. But now...I cannot find him anywhere. He might need me and I would not be able to find him."

She closed her eyes. "Oh, JARVIS." She had urged Tony to leave all his gadgets at home for the honeymoon. Apparently he had also turned off the phone, which would make her proud if she wouldn't be talking with the flaw in this plan right now.  
"I'm sure he is fine. He just...he just wants to share this special time with Steve, I guess. I mean, you know what a honeymoon is"

"Of course. I collected all there is about it."

"And you know what you do on a honeymoon..."

"Yes. I have erased many videos from the internet where Sir did what one does on a honeymoon."

"Okay, right, I see that you understand." She did not want to hear that. "I'm sure he will turn on his phone again soon. And you do know the address from the hotels and their route..."

"But the last time I was not able to check his current location with my information he...he almost died."

She sighed. That was his problem. "They are fine, JARVIS, believe me. And if there is an emergency, but there won't be any, we will hear it and we will save them. They are in Europe, not Afghanistan. Europe is safer." Again the line was silent.

"I know" he finally said. "It is just very unusual for me. There is no one around now..."

She would have to talk with Tony when he came back. This was not good. It was one thing to make his AI lifelike but another thing to make it human.  
She leant her head against the cool window. "Would you like me to come to the tower tonight?"

"I do not want to mess up your plans."

"You know my whole agenda better than I do. I will come over tonight and we can talk, okay?"

"If it is..."

"Yes, it is" she interrupted.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. We will have a nice long chat about all the changes that are going to happen, but I have to go now, we're almost here."

"Thank you, Pepper."

"Bye."

"That was weird", Happy commented and turned onto the Shield compound. "My, they made that nice, didn't they? All new and shiny. Where would you like me to stop?" She put the phone back in her bag and looked up. Maybe she should have stayed in bed.

"Just drive to the main building. I need one hour." She grabbed her bag and stepped through the gate, pushing away all disturbing thoughts about JARVIS' mental health, or whatever one wanted to call it. The guard recognized her and opened the door for her.

There was already a small queue of Shield people waiting for the elevator and she joined them when she saw Clint come up the stairs. When he saw her he turned and joined her. "Morning, CEO Potts."

"Good morning, Agent Barton." She remembered Happy's words and smiled. "How are you?"

"Fine, fine. Just finished my morning training. Nat had to go last night." The elevator arrived and they all crammed inside.

"I'm sorry to hear." He shrugged. Someone had already pushed the button for her floor.

"How's the couple?" "Fine, I guess. I haven't heard from them yet."

He grinned. "I bet you didn't."

She sighed. "That's nice, and for you so subtle, Clint."

His grin widened but then, as if a switch had been turned, he got serious again. "Actually I wanted to ask you whether I could have a private word with you."

She frowned. "I'm sorry, I have to go to a meeting now. But tonight I will be at the tower and..." They had reached her floor and she pushed through the other people.

He ignored her words and peeped into a meeting room. When no one was in there he turned around.

"Please. Just one minute."

She sighed but decided to give him that minute. Something was off today.  
The tables in the room were arranged to an octagon. He offered her a chair and sat down.

"How can I help you?" she asked.

"It's not your help I need." He looked her in the eyes. "When did you meet Jane Foster and her team the first time?"

Now she was really worried. She tried a joke. "Seven...no, eight months, fifteen days and..." she checked her watch "Almost exactly two hours ago. For that collaboration with our think tank, if I remember correctly."

He nodded. "And when did you fall in love with Erik Selvig?"

She should have stayed in bed this morning.

She felt her mouth drop and her brain exploded with worry and thoughts and fear and she wanted to run out but Clint smiled, a real smile, not his usual grin, and something crashed on her shoulder and she slumped back in her chair.  
"Eight months, fifteen days, one hour and thirty minutes." She whispered.

"I thought so much." A terrible suspicion occurred to her and she jumped out of her chair.

"Do the others know?"

"No. Just Nat."

"Does Erik know?" She shrieked but did not mind.

"No, what do you think? He's a scientist, he's genetically unable to see it."

She exhaled." "Thank God."

"Then I told him and now he knows."

"Clint!" She had shrieked again. He laughed and stood up too.

"That...that is bad news." She rubbed her forehead and started to pace.

"No it's not" Clint answered. "I just think that now is the right time to do something about it."

She stopped and turned to him. "You!" She lowered her voice to her CEO growl. "You just did it because you are bored! Nat goes on a mission and you are stuck here and..."

He shrugged unapologetically. "The Shield Christmas party comes up and I think then might be the right moment to bring him a drink, engage him in a chat about stars and universes and, after twenty minutes or so, you casually mention that you would like to marry him and have lots of weird, hyperintelligent babies with him."

She stared at him, unable to process what just had happened. Clint's old grin was back up. He held the door open for her and brought her the bag she had forgotten on the table.  
"Think about it" he hissed, "For our sake. For Christmas." Then he looked over her head.

"Hello, Erik."

She pulled a face at him. "I won't fall..."

"Hello."

It was not her day.

Clint laughed her in the face.

She turned around, all traces of any grace long gone, and nodded. "Hello, Erik." He carried rolled up blueprints under his arm.

She turned back to an amused Clint. "If you'll excuse me now, I have a meeting." Then she ran as fast as her shoes allowed.


	8. Chapter 7

**Summary:** An Avengers AU where our beloved characters are tortured in a rom-com. Inspired by a fake "Love-Vengers...Actually"-movie poster on tumblr.

**Pairings:**oh so many. To be exact: In "Love...actually" there are nine pairings of which there will be six in this story because I only used AVengers-characters (and Darcy) from the movie (and that still leads to at least two crack pairings...). I wouldn't want to write them down here because I think (hope...) that part of the fun will be to find the counterparts. Though if you want to know them, just ask.

**Warnings:** Spoilers for "The Avengers", "Thor" and "Love...actually". Non-beta'd and written by a non-native speaker/writer. Gratuitous attempt at writing in general.

**Disclaimer:** Neither affiliated with "The Avengers" nor with "Love...actually".

**Author's Note:** Hi! So...my very first attempt at publishing fanfiction. At first I intended to start five weeks before Christmas (like in "Love...actually") but of course I didn't finish until then thus I will just update at random and hope that it'll end before Christmas. Each chapter is told from another character's POV...I didn't even try to distribute it evenly...hope it will be readable anyway. As I only read a few comics and never a full arc the characters are modelled after the movie. Though it still needs quite some suspension of disbelief (apparently Hill was barely ever on a mission before...yeah, I know). You are warned. Have fun.

* * *

**Chapter 7:**

He envied Tony and Steve who were currently swimming in the warm sea somewhere on the other side of earth though at the same time he was also a little bit glad that Tony was not here at the moment. He liked to make him responsible for every bad weather in New York even though he knew exactly how rarely that happened and it had become boring a long time ago.  
He stepped out of the cab and walked to the entrance. On the other side of the wide square he saw Pepper coming out of the main building. Eyes fixed on the ground she hurried to her car and disappeared.  
He had no problem to find the prison ward this time though the tiny buttons still refused to collaborate. There were new guards on duty today and he showed them the form he had fetched from Fury's office this very morning.

He had met Darcy there and though she was lovely as usual everything of her remembered him of Jane and it had been almost unbearable.  
He contemplated whether it would be a good idea to visit Loki in this state but he did not know what else to do.  
The guards followed him to the cell and sat down on the bench opposite the mirror glass.

Today Loki was pacing up and down, he could hear his steps through a loud speaker.  
Maybe he could hear him too or maybe he just heard the sound of the code being typed through the door, anyway he stopped and stared at the door.  
When he had finally unlocked the door and entered he was already being expected with an angry glare.

"Hello, brother" he said as the guards closed the door behind him.

Loki sighed and turned his back on him.

"How are you?" He put the book on the table. "I'm finally allowed to give you the book."  
He sat down on the chair and went over his monologue in his head again. He would start with the wedding.

"The wedding was very good. Steve wanted to exchange the vows without the public but the feast in the evening was truly magnificent. It is in every newspaper this morning. They also liked the surprise that Bruce and I had planned. They played almost as nice as our Asgardian musicians. Though of course I did not say that. Some of these musicians reminded me of Tony and..."

"I do not believe that."

Surprised he looked up. Loki turned around and shrugged.

"Nothing here compares to Asgard, so how can the music?"

"If you had heard it, brother, you would agree." He tried his luck. "How are you?"

Of course Loki ignored him again.

"The food was delicious and the speeches short" he continued. "There was dancing after the dinner and Clint taught me a few steps of a midgardian dance, they call it cha-cha. It's amusing."

A mocking smile appeared on Loki's face. "The way I know you your little lady surely has no feet anymore."

He smiled too and stared on his hands. Of course he could not hide it for long and Loki jumped on it like a hungry cat on a mouse.

"She was not there?" The gleeful smile widened and Thor started to count his breaths.

"Did she die?"

He shook his head. "Her work took her to the other side of the country."

Loki raised an eyebrow. "And that makes her unreachable for you, because?"

"Then yesterday Steve and Tony went away. Apparently this is also customary on Midgard that you go away for a while after..."

"She left you." He sat down on the bed.

Thor exhaled slowly.

"Why does it not surprise me that you cannot even keep a Midgardian wench?"

"Loki..." he warned in a low voice. He clenched his fists and tried to concentrate on his breathing.  
"They are in a country called France. They showed me pictures, it must be a wonderful place and..."

"Did you break her? I saw what you did to that tavern wench in Asgard once, I..."

With a deafening crack Thor's fist beat on the table and right through it. Wood and splinters flew around as he tore his fist out of the hole again.

Loki fell on the bed in a fit of laughter.

The door banged open and the guards entered with their weapons. "Step back!" the taller one ordered and tilted his weapon to the wall opposite Loki's bed.

He swallowed his anger and tried to look friendly. "Please forgive my outburst."

The guard stepped to the table and inspected the damage.  
"Maybe we should put on the gag" the other guard suggested but he shook his head.

"No. I have something I still need to talk about with him. It was just a lapse. I need only ten minutes more."

Loki had ceased laughing and was kneeling on his bed. He stared at Thor and ignored the guards, a new, meaner grin on his face.

"He won't stop" the taller one said and stepped back. "It will only get worse. Once he knows your weakness he doesn't stop until...he can still listen with a gag."

"I know, I grew up with him but no, thanks." Thor answered. "Only ten minutes."

The guards looked at each other until the smaller one shrugged, then they both left the cell again.

Thor sat down on the chair again and continued as if nothing had happened.  
"They will come back in two weeks. And in two weeks there will be the meeting with the delegates from Asgard." He searched for a reaction on Loki's face but his grin did not falter and he seemed to be in deep thoughts.  
"Brother! If you go back to Asgard your punishment will be terrible, especially because no one on Midgard will say one redeeming word about you. If you would just help. Director Fury promised to support me if he can see progress with you. He is a kinder man than you can imagine and he does not want to see you dead, just away from his realm. It is not too late yet."

He stared at the hunched figure on the bed. Finally Loki moved and swung his legs over the edge.

He looked solemnly at him. "There is no torture greater than being locked up by lesser beings" he said softly.

"You know this is not true.", Thor answered and tried to look into Loki's eyes.

"It is even more painful than to lose something you thought was yours. And currently I am experiencing both pains." He smiled the way he did at Thor's almost-coronation. "But who am I telling this? Of course you know that pain too. Did she leave because she finally comprehended what it meant to love a god?"

Thor leant back. "Did she want to spare you the pain of seeing her die of old age while you will live on for ever and ever until the end of times?"

He couldn't bear it any longer.

"She failed at that, I see."

He could not make out the buttons on the door, everything swam and became a blur.

"She will forget you, Thor. It's human, this is how they are. She will live for a few years and she will forget you and when she is old and grey you will be nothing else than a dark memory of her lost youth."

He stopped trying to type in the code and started banging at the door, denting it with every hit of his fist.

Loki's voice grew louder until he shouted. "But you will live on and on and on and never will the pain cease and you will see her face for the rest of eternity and know that you will never meet her again."

Over their heads a lightning bolt cracked and Loki was smashed against the wall over his bed. The door sprung open, not by Thor's fists but by the guards.  
He pushed them aside and ran out, ran as fast as he could.

"Let him out!" one of the guards hollered into his phone but the guards at the entrance to the ward did not need that order and quickly opened the door for him.

He heard the cracks of lightning outside as he ran up the stairs.  
The rain had increased and he could not see the other buildings anymore through the thick drops of water as he stepped out.  
The water came down fast and painfully but he did not feel anything and just stood in the middle of the square, tears mingling with raindrops for an eternity, but it was not eternity, he knew, until he heard footsteps to his left side. He turned the other way and tried to wipe away the snot.

"Hey" he heard and an umbrella came up over his head from behind.  
It was Bruce and the umbrella did not really help, especially for himself since he only wore the rubber shoes with holes he always wore when he worked in the lab. "Have you visited Loki?"

"No, he just really likes a cold shower" Clint said and stepped under the umbrella as well. "I take it he was in a good mood today."

The rain faded a little bit and turned to silver threads. He cleared his throat. "Unfortunately, yes."

Bruce tugged at his arm. "Let's go inside. You look like you need a cup of tea."

"Cup of tea?" Clint asked. "Try cup of scotch."


	9. Chapter 8

**Summary:** An Avengers AU where our beloved characters are tortured in a rom-com. Inspired by a fake "Love-Vengers...Actually"-movie poster on tumblr.

**Pairings:**oh so many. To be exact: In "Love...actually" there are nine pairings of which there will be six in this story because I only used AVengers-characters (and Darcy) from the movie (and that still leads to at least two crack pairings...). I wouldn't want to write them down here because I think (hope...) that part of the fun will be to find the counterparts. Though if you want to know them, just ask.

**Warnings:** Spoilers for "The Avengers", "Thor" and "Love...actually". Non-beta'd and written by a non-native speaker/writer. Gratuitous attempt at writing in general.

**Disclaimer:** Neither affiliated with "The Avengers" nor with "Love...actually".

**Author's Note:** Hi! So...my very first attempt at publishing fanfiction. At first I intended to start five weeks before Christmas (like in "Love...actually") but of course I didn't finish until then thus I will just update at random and hope that it'll end before Christmas. Each chapter is told from another character's POV...I didn't even try to distribute it evenly...hope it will be readable anyway. As I only read a few comics and never a full arc the characters are modelled after the movie. Though it still needs quite some suspension of disbelief (apparently Hill was barely ever on a mission before...yeah, I know). You are warned. Have fun.

* * *

**Chapter 8:**

He had known something was wrong the moment the first lightning had cracked over New York. Rain was normal for this time of the year but it had not looked like a thunderstorm up until this moment.  
He had put the handy new surveillance system on his screen and had switched to the prison ward just at the moment when the guards had opened the demolished door and Thor had run out. He had divided the screen and had kept his eye on Thor running outside as well as the guards looking after an unconscious Loki. Then, winding back to see the cause of that he had witnessed the lightning bolt inside the cell.

Now Thor was sitting opposite him, wearing new clothes, hair still damp, glaring on the table.

He dreaded what would come.

The clock on the wall said that it was only a few minutes to the video conference with the council.  
Hill was busy typing something on her computer while Coulson skimmed the files for the meeting.  
After a while the computer guy at the far end of the room started to type on various screens.

"Ready for conference" he announced and turned in his chair.  
He nodded and the guy put up the members of the council on the screens.  
"All lines safe" he announced after a second moment.

He straightened his back and looked over the attendees. "Thank you for your time" he began. "Our first subject today is the upcoming meeting with the delegation from Asgard."

Some of the members leaned forward towards the camera but it was Thor who spoke first.

"If the council would allow me to speak first" he said and even though he wore only sweats and a black shirt no one doubted that somewhere he was the heir to a throne.

He made sure to look every member of the council in the eyes. "I know I am not in the position to ask for favours but I urge you to not hand over Loki to the delegation, not now in any way."

"Sir..." a man to his right spoke up but Thor ignored him.

"I know I have nothing to offer. Midgard, I mean earth, has always been my most beloved realm, even if you do not know that, and for this my brother, in his delusions, chose to attack you. Just to hurt me. But you know as well as I do that he was just a pawn for the alien intruders and I know..." He raised his fist as if to bang on the table but he just lowered it softly again. "I know he was not himself when he did this. They did something to him, something terrible and most of all he needs healing. I know he deserves punishment but he deserves not what my father has in mind. I ask of you to not hand him over just now. Let me talk with the delegation and let them bring my offers back to my father. This is what I ask and I cannot offer more than my gratitude and the promise to always help Midgard in times of danger."  
He looked around as if to assure whether everyone understood what 'always' meant in his case.

"And your father will come back with an army" one woman chimed in.

"He will not."

"Who can assure this?" the man who had tried to interrupt him the first time asked. "If I understood the file correctly you are banned from your kingdom. What worth has your word for the delegates?"

"I am still their future king!" Thor said aloud and several members who listened with earphones tore them off their heads.

The man waited until all of them had adjusted the loudspeakers and were listening again. "No, you are not. Not at the moment. And I don't see why we should risk a war with an army we cannot beat. The two of you managed to demolish New Mexico and New York. Imagine what would happen if a whole army came down. I don't want to anger them."

Thor shook his head.

"We should keep in mind that he is in our responsibility" Coulson said from his spot. "And we all agree that every prisoner of war, despite of what he has done, deserves a fair trial and a hum...fair treatment. And if we cannot assure this it would be foolish to hand him over."

From his seat he could see that most of the members had made up their mind but there were a few who were still fighting with themselves.

"You mentioned that he needs healing" another woman began. The words sounded strange out of her mouth and her accent made it hard to understand her. "Was there any progress?"

He turned to Hill who had lead the examination, or at least what had been possible.  
She took a deep breath. "If you open your files on page 36 you can see that our doctors did find traces that indicate abuse. Our psychologists, as far as they can say, agree that he suffered a severe psychosis at the time of the attack and they indicate that he suffers from chronic...paranoid schizophrenia."  
She cleared her throat and fixed her eyes on the files. "They all agree that he would not be chargeable for his crimes under US-law and instead suggested that he be transferred to a mental institution with highest security."

Thor shook his head.

"Healing...the healing process...is very slow and all experts agreed that it would need more time for measurable results."

"Here it says that they find full healing nearly impossible" one of the members pointed out.

"That was one expert out of five" Hill defended "And the other four all agreed that they would need more time for a definite answer."

For the first time the man directly opposite of him leaned forward into the camera. "With all due respect" he began "I know you want to defend him but all I hear from you is that we have an alien psycho with magic powers, which by the way we can barely keep under control, who wants nothing more than to listen to the voices in his head and destroy us all. To be honest I don't care if they will skin him alive at his home, I just want that arsehole in another galaxy and not risk bringing more of his like to us."

Approving murmurs rose from around the room.

Thor tore his hair and leaned back in his chair. "No, no" he muttered.

"What is your opinion on this subject, director Fury?" the man continued and looked down at him. "As we know your judgement is rarely wrong and your judgement usually follows actions."

Pause. Stern gaze.

"And we all know that you have only the public good in mind. What is your opinion on this, now that everything is at stake?"

Pause. Stern gaze. Raised eyebrow.

He knew exactly what was at stake and it was not 'everything'.

"I understand Thor's plea" he said after a pause. "But: I agree with the council. We cannot take that risk."

His agents sat stone-faced and did not move one inch.

Thor shook his head, pain visible on his face, mouthing soundless words.

"Then we all agree?" the man asked and looked down below the screen, probably to the other members. When they had all said so he spoke again. "Well then. Thank you. Now the Tesseract..."

Thor stood up and walked to the door.

"Are you not going to stay? It also concerns you." The man craned his neck but his screen seemed to be too small. Coulson waved him off. Hill tried to send Thor an apologetic look but he did not turn his head and left without another word.

"Send in the engineers!" he ordered. "And who do I have to fuck to get a fucking drink here?"  
As soon as he had said it a tray appeared in the door and of course it was her who pushed it.  
She smiled, looked at Hill and opened her mouth but her grim look showed her to just do her job and shut up.  
Behind her three engineers and Selvig walked in.

* * *

She knocked at his office two hours later, carrying a tray with papers, a mug, a bottle of whisky and what seemed to be a cupcake.  
He hadn't paid attention when he was in the meeting but now he saw that she wore an offensively bright blouse in green.

"This just came in from South America" she said and handed him the papers. "And I've heard you call for a drink at the meeting but it wasn't five back then but now it is and I thought it'd be time now. I found it in the back of a cupboard in the break room and I think it is safe to say that whoever put it there wouldn't mind if you took one or two sips. Of course you could also just have the coffee. The cupcake is on the house; I saw Thor and boss...I mean Agent Hill, after the meeting and they looked as if they wanted to kill somebody and I thought you might need something to cheer you up. It's red velvet with marzipan-cream topping, though most of the topping is in my lunchbox, do not eat if you are allergic to almonds, lactose or if you are suffering from celiac disease."

She put the little cake next to the file. "Still talking too much. Sorry."

He could only stare at her.

"Now, would ye like me to make yer coffee Oirish, to be shoor and begorrah?" She picked up the bottle and smiled at him.

He looked down on his work, then up again.

"I want that coffee to sing me a song about leprechauns and home."

"Coming right up." She poured a nice amount into the mug and put it down in front of him.

"Thank you..."

She smiled and walked back to the door.

"...Darcy."

She turned around as if she expected another order but when she saw that it was not the case she nodded and closed the door again.  
He would have to ask Stark whether the new screens were head banging proof because it was just too much work to move his chair every time.

The cupcake was delicious and the sugar shock mixed with the alcohol brought him through the following hours after Hill burst in and announced that Thor and his hammer had gone missing.


	10. Chapter 9

**Summary:** An Avengers AU where our beloved characters are tortured in a rom-com. Inspired by a fake "Love-Vengers...Actually"-movie poster on tumblr.

**Pairings:**oh so many. To be exact: In "Love...actually" there are nine pairings of which there will be six in this story because I only used AVengers-characters (and Darcy) from the movie (and that still leads to at least two crack pairings...). I wouldn't want to write them down here because I think (hope...) that part of the fun will be to find the counterparts. Though if you want to know them, just ask.

**Warnings:** Spoilers for "The Avengers", "Thor" and "Love...actually". Non-beta'd and written by a non-native speaker/writer. Gratuitous attempt at writing in general.

**Disclaimer:** Neither affiliated with "The Avengers" nor with "Love...actually".

**Author's Note:** Hi! So...my very first attempt at publishing fanfiction. At first I intended to start five weeks before Christmas (like in "Love...actually") but of course I didn't finish until then thus I will just update at random and hope that it'll end before Christmas. Each chapter is told from another character's POV...I didn't even try to distribute it evenly...hope it will be readable anyway. As I only read a few comics and never a full arc the characters are modelled after the movie. Though it still needs quite some suspension of disbelief (apparently Hill was barely ever on a mission before...yeah, I know). You are warned. Have fun.

* * *

**Chapter 9:**

The rain had ceased entirely and now, in the darkness, it was cold. Maybe the streets would be icy next morning.

He walked with the army of pedestrians, passing an endless row of glittering shop windows. Sometimes he smelled oranges and cinnamon and punch.  
When he couldn't feel his feet anymore he stopped and walked into the first bar his eyes fell on.

All tables were occupied and he sat down at the far end of the bar and ordered a whisky.

He could have had that in the tower.  
He took the first sip.  
It would have tasted better, too.

He leaned at the wall with his back and watched the other guests in the bar. The music was almost inaudible and he only ever heard a few beats when the talking ebbed away for a few seconds. There were two working behind the bar, and it was the girl who made her way back to him to bring him his second.

She smiled and looked him up and down, then she checked on her partner and when she saw that he could handle it she picked up her phone.

"May I ask you a question?"

He did not know whether he should be worried and he did not know about what he should be worried about either.

"Sure."

"Is that you?"

Now he knew what he needed to be worried about. He knew there were pictures, many pictures, but nobody had ever recognized him.

"I mean..." the girl stuttered when she saw his reaction. "I'm sorry, it's a mis..."

"It's me." He tried a smile. "I'm sorry, I was just...surprised. Nobody ever looks at me."

She smiled and looked at the picture. It was shot from this bar, from the day of Loki's big party, he and Cap had their faces turned to the window and were looking up. Black Widow was halfway out of the shot, her face hidden by her hair.

"They should. You are a hero." She leant over the counter. Her low-cut blouse wrinkled around her chest. "Drinks are on the house tonight."

He should go. It might be a trap. It was his job to be invisible.

"Thanks. And I'm not..."

She smiled. "You saved us, sure you are. You should be in the papers too, why do they only ever write articles about Iron Man and Captain America?"

He snorted. "Believe me, I should not and I'm glad that they give their faces so that we others can stay invisible."

Her partner whistled from the other end of the bar.  
She rolled her eyes. "I'll be back" she said and when she walked off her hand brushed over his.

He emptied his glass in one gulp and spent some time with an empty glass, watching her serve other clients, mix drinks and counting change. Half of her hair was wrapped in a bun and secured by only a stick while the other half fell over her shoulders.  
After a while he recognized that she slowly made her way down the bar. Every customer had to walk two steps more than the one before until no one came up to her anymore. She turned to him and grinned.

He could not hold back any longer. "Is that a chopstick in your hair?"

She giggled and before he could say anything she pulled it out.

"No! Why did you do this? It looked so nice."

"I can do it again" she laughed. "And yes, it's a chopstick. But it's a chopstick with glitter." He touched it carefully.

"I made it myself." She took it back and with a few movements had the hair wrapped in a bun again. "See? No problem."  
She leant over the counter again. "Are you...you know...like Captain America?"

He smiled. "Not at all. Cap is...no, I'm just a soldier."

She frowned but didn't say anything and instead grabbed under the counter and poured him a new glass. "And was the woman a soldier too?"

He took a sip. It was dark, especially in his corner, but he could see the blue in her eyes. "Yes."

She hesitated. "There were not many soldiers...that day."

He shrugged and tried the smug escape. "In the end there were enough."

When he felt her breath on his cheek he understood why he could see her eyes.

She smiled again. Then he felt a shadow to his right and braced for an attack. This time the other guy did not just whistle but came up to her. She whirled around.

"Sorry" she said before he could open his mouth. "Sorry."  
She gently pushed him to the front again, then she turned around and sent him an apologetic look back.

He stared in his drink. He kept it for a long time and refused any refill.  
The bar had emptied considerably when he finally stood up and walked to the front where she was polishing glasses. He put a bill in the tip jar.

She smiled and put the glass down. "Thanks."

"Thank you" he answered. "Are you here every evening?"

She shook her head. "Only Monday, today and Friday...they had to cut back." She wiped the counter with the towel. "It's barely enough and I'm looking for a new job, but that's not easy nowadays."  
She grabbed one of the coasters in front of him and wrote a string of numbers on it. "If I shouldn't be here anymore the next time you come" she said and put it in his hand, wrapping his fingers around it.  
She winked and maybe he winked back and suddenly he was in the street again, surrounded by the army once more.

He let himself drag along for a while, then he stopped behind a fruit vendor and took his phone out of the pocket. She answered after the third ring.

"Mia."

He smiled.

"Hello? Who's there?"

"It's me. I didn't know your name."

She laughed. "Now you do."

"Now I do. But I don't want to disturb you any longer. Bye, Mia."

He hung up and waited. It did not go longer than ten seconds.

He grinned. "Hello?"

"That's not how you answer a phone!" she laughed. "Play along!"

"What should I play?"

"You are terrible!" she huffed.

He laughed and turned around, only to find himself in front of a brightly lit window with faceless puppets.

"I'm Clint" he said.

"Pleased to meet you, Clint."


	11. Chapter 10

**Summary:** An Avengers AU where our beloved characters are tortured in a rom-com. Inspired by a fake "Love-Vengers...Actually"-movie poster on tumblr.

**Pairings:**oh so many. To be exact: In "Love...actually" there are nine pairings of which there will be six in this story because I only used AVengers-characters (and Darcy) from the movie (and that still leads to at least two crack pairings...). I wouldn't want to write them down here because I think (hope...) that part of the fun will be to find the counterparts. Though if you want to know them, just ask.

**Warnings:** Spoilers for "The Avengers", "Thor" and "Love...actually". Non-beta'd and written by a non-native speaker/writer. Gratuitous attempt at writing in general.

**Disclaimer:** Neither affiliated with "The Avengers" nor with "Love...actually".

**Author's Note:** Hi! So...my very first attempt at publishing fanfiction. At first I intended to start five weeks before Christmas (like in "Love...actually") but of course I didn't finish until then thus I will just update at random and hope that it'll end before Christmas. Each chapter is told from another character's POV...I didn't even try to distribute it evenly...hope it will be readable anyway. As I only read a few comics and never a full arc the characters are modelled after the movie. Though it still needs quite some suspension of disbelief (apparently Hill was barely ever on a mission before...yeah, I know). You are warned. Have fun.

* * *

**Chapter 10:**

"You must excuse my questions" the woman behind the desk said.  
When she did not open her mouth to speak she had it clenched to a small white strip and her hands were slightly trembling.  
"But I am very curious to know why a US-American citizen destroyed Mount Robson."  
There was a slight tremor in her voice and her smile could compete with Coulson's any day.

"He is not a citizen of the United States" she answered friendly.

"He is your responsibility!" the Premier shouted and banged her fist on the table.

Shield should recruit her.

"Tell me, what did Mount Robson do to him? What did Canada do to him? And how did he actually do it?"  
She picked up the remote control and showed them the footage once again. They saw what seemed to be unexplainable avalanches of rocks on once majestic Mount Robson, boulders and debris and snow flying around until everything was hidden behind a cloud and only the constant banging showed that the destruction continued.

"As we explained he is a member of our organisation and though very talented he has a...different concept of borders than we have and he has experienced...ill fate during the last weeks and his reaction to that we can see there. It is the only destruction on Canadian ground" Coulson repeated. "Again, we would like to apologize profoundly for that mishap. We will do everything possible to support you during the time to come."

She nodded in mocked belief. "And how the hell do I explain the collapse, collapse, not just a very big rock slide, how do I explain the collapse of an entire mountain to the world?"

"We have come to take care of this problem" Coulson said.

"You will not take care of anything!" she snarled. "I don't know who you are or what your organisation actually does but you will not meddle in this affair. You think you can come here and command me what to do and push a stick up my ass so I can play your punch because I'm just a stupid little Premier of a stupid little speck on your map. Not with me! I should have you arrested on the spot. I will see your asses on fire! What army are you that you don't have control over one of your men?"

She liked her spirit and for a moment she got distracted and thought of her beginning at Shield and what would have happened if she had taken another road all those years ago. She honestly did not know what made her the one to poke in other people's wounds, or invent them, knowing that it was pure luck that she had not ended up on the other side of the desk.

Still, it was time for the fun part. She opened her case and took out a file.

She tried to smile like Coulson and it seemed to work quite well as the woman turned her around to her directly, a deep frown on her face.

"You will let us help you" she said and shoved the file over the table.

The Premier read the first few lines and with every movement of her eyes she became paler and paler.

She decided to continue. "This is not just about your re-election or your political future" she began. "This file is your 'go directly to prison'-card. Those journalists may have never been able to prove the bribery but we are and please believe us when we say that journalists will only receive a copy of this file, the original will go straight up to the top."

Phil raised his chin and continued for her: "We have the bank accounts, all of them, the safe deposit box in Switzerland, I'm sure your grandmother would feel very honoured if she knew that a picture of her has as much value to you as two million Canadian Dollars, and witnesses for every stopover of the money from the company to you and your...partners. If you value your reputation, and freedom, as well as the reputation of your party and your family, we would advise you to listen to us."

They waited for a response. The Premier had put the file on her desk and took care to not touch it in any way.

"You want to play it that way?"

Coulson shook his head. "No. But we will, if we have to."

She had regained her composure again and rested her chin on her folded hands. She looked to the screen and back the two agents. It was obvious that she needed one last nudge.

"We are truly sorry. It shouldn't have happened but it did and now we have to tidy up. There is no scenario where you come out as a winner but there is one sure way where you come out as the loser. Don't make us go that way", she said and closed the case.

The Premier took a deep breath. "What do I have to do?"

Phil leant forward in his chair. "We'll explain."

* * *

They had one last meeting with the agents they would leave in Canada then they drove back to the airport.

She wondered whether the Premier had felt the same way she did now when she found out that they were the ones in charge.  
It was strange to feel so unsure and intimidated, especially because she knew there was no reason, no danger.  
She had her eyes locked on the roadside and did not dare to breath too loudly.

"It used to be a very beautiful mountain" Phil said and turned his tablet around for her to see.

She knew that she was supposed to look at the snow-capped mountain but all she saw were his long fingers wrapped around the frame.

"Yes, indeed."

He grinned and flicked to the next image. "And this just came in. The dust finally settled enough to see the entire damage."

This time she did concentrate on the image.

If not for the firs and spruces on either side of the photo she would have thought that they were two entirely different pictures. It seemed as if the mountain had been shaved off at the snow line and shot through from below the earth, as if something had opened the mountain from the inside and left an ugly, gory wound.

She reached for the surface of the tablet and switched it back to the first picture.

The little glacier on its north side was gone, buried under debris and the little lake at the roots of the mountain had turned from a turquoise gem to a grey puddle filled with rocks and tree stumps.

"He was very angry" she commented and leant back again.

"Who would hold it against him?" Phil asked and switched between the pictures. "He lost his family twice but this time they banned him really and were not just duped, he is stuck in a foreign world, his brother still hates him and his girlfriend went on without him."

She chewed on her lips. Of course Phil could feel at least the pain of the last one. "Yeah. It's really a shame...with the council and all..." She leant her face at the window.

Phil nodded. "I know. If it weren't for Thor I would not give a crap about Loki, but I just..." He turned his head. "Some people never receive the love that he just throws away."

"I know, right?" The window felt cool against her forehead. She would leave a grease mark, probably. "That means we are not lost yet."

He frowned. "What?"

"It means we are not lost yet...if we still feel with someone."

He nodded slowly, clearly not grasping what she meant.

She should stop. She should change the subject.

"It's just...today I felt regret that I couldn't activate the assassin for the Premier..." She knocked on the case. "Who does that? And...And...Who loves to invent lies about other people? Apparently I do. And it's not just that...it's one thing to command the helicarrier and play cabbie for other people's schemes and missions and shoot when they tell me to shoot, but invent and play them personally? That's a whole new level of freak..."  
She broke off and stared on the case.

He just sat there and looked at her and let it sink in and especially let it sink in for her.

She wanted nothing more than to drown herself in the grey puddle below former Mount Robson.

"I'm sorry" she whispered. "I didn't want to offend you. I admire the work you do and...and how well you do it"

She felt his gaze.

"Don't apologize" he said after a while and closed his tablet. "In fact...it's nice to have someone like you for a change."

She frowned but didn't dare to look at him yet.

"Most of the agents never reach your level of awareness. It's a fact. We are robots, very cunning ones maybe but at the end of the day we are not much more than the thing Stark has in his tower."

Now it was his turn to stare at his fingers. "It's just...I just think that maybe we sometimes don't think enough about why we do what we do...and...and it is rare to work with someone who hasn't lost that and...and I enjoy to work with you very much. You are very talented and...capable, and...I enjoy it very much."

Something warm spread in her stomach area. "Thank you." She smiled. "Ditto...actually."

For the first time since probably ever she looked him in the eyes while he looked back.

"Thank you."

The warmth spread over her whole body until she could feel the blood pulsating in her cheeks. Flustered and lost for words she leaned at the window again.

Phil was the one to change the subject: "I almost laughed out loud back in her office, when she thought that there is only one man we don't have under control."

She laughed. "Yeah, that was funny. We should tell Fury at our next meeting. Imagine his face."


	12. Chapter 11

**Summary:** An Avengers AU where our beloved characters are tortured in a rom-com. Inspired by a fake "Love-Vengers...Actually"-movie poster on tumblr.

**Pairings:**oh so many. To be exact: In "Love...actually" there are nine pairings of which there will be six in this story because I only used AVengers-characters (and Darcy) from the movie (and that still leads to at least two crack pairings...). I wouldn't want to write them down here because I think (hope...) that part of the fun will be to find the counterparts. Though if you want to know them, just ask.

**Warnings:** Spoilers for "The Avengers", "Thor" and "Love...actually". Non-beta'd and written by a non-native speaker/writer. Gratuitous attempt at writing in general.

**Disclaimer:** Neither affiliated with "The Avengers" nor with "Love...actually".

**Author's Note:** Hi! So...my very first attempt at publishing fanfiction. At first I intended to start five weeks before Christmas (like in "Love...actually") but of course I didn't finish until then thus I will just update at random and hope that it'll end before Christmas. Each chapter is told from another character's POV...I didn't even try to distribute it evenly...hope it will be readable anyway. As I only read a few comics and never a full arc the characters are modelled after the movie. Though it still needs quite some suspension of disbelief (apparently Hill was barely ever on a mission before...yeah, I know). You are warned. Have fun.

* * *

**Chapter 11:**

He read the first report from Canada and wrote a short answer then checked the time and decided to go on inspection.  
Just when he was walking towards the door somebody knocked and opened.

She carried a box from the non-digitalised archive and balanced an impressive mountain of folders on top of that. All he could see were her arms and her yellow jeans.

"This is all I found from the year you asked for" she panted from behind the pile. "And in the folders are the reports from Iowa, South Dakota and Missouri about Thor's roaring rampage of yesterday. The agent in charge insisted that it be sent by chopper and that I call him when it arrives. With a phone...!"

Her failing breath did not allow her to ramble on further and instead she stumbled to his desk and put it down. She had dust all over her hair and shoulders and her cheeks gleamed in bright red.

She turned around and tried to smile through her wheezing.

"That's Agent Carr" he explained. "He doesn't trust computers. His assistant though scans it and sends it by e-mail. It arrived late last night. You can destroy it as well as future shipments."

"Oh..."

It was inexplicably funny to see that there was a way to shut her up and he grinned inwardly as she tried to hide her anger.  
She picked up the folders again and walked back into the front office.  
All agents were on field work and the secretaries were all hanging on their phones.

He watched her as she walked to the shredder and decided on the spur of the moment. "Miss Lewis."

She whirled around as if caught. "Yes?"

"Destroy later! Grab something to write and follow me!" He walked through the office. Through the glass he could see her throw an anxious look to the secretary closest to her but she was too busy with her phone call.  
He didn't wait for her and walked to the elevator. She arrived, out of breath again, when the elevator opened.

"That thing with Agent Carr's spleen totally confused me" she panted. "So: Would you like the notes on tablet or on dead wood?" She carried a small bag in the form of a cartoon cat with her and weighed a tablet and a notepad with a pen in her hands.

"The notes are not for me" he informed her "They are for you. You are gonna learn how to handle scientists today."

She stopped in her action of packing the notepad away and snorted. "No offence, Sir, but I have lots of experience with that. Actually, it's my only useful ability here."

"No" he said, "You know how to deal with them. That makes you more useful than 75 % of my agents and it's only that low because the rest doesn't have to work with them. Now you will learn how to steer them. That will make you irreplaceable. Let me tell you a secret:"

She switched on the tablet and waited for the secret.

"Most of the time I have no idea what they're rambling about."

She lowered the tablet and eyed him warily.

"Of course I know the direction of their projects and what they are doing in broad terms and what its use will be but if they start describing their formulas and equations and experiments I am way over my head. Sound familiar?"

She grinned.

"See? But it's not my job to understand it, it's my job to lead them and the most important skill for that is to make them believe that they can keep secrets away from me."

Her fingers pecked like birds on the small screen.

"You worked with Selvig. Where did he and Foster get the material for their work from?"

She frowned and tried to remember. "Jane made most of the machines that they used..."

"I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about smaller things, overhead projectors, movable walls, normal telescopes, containers for soil samples and so on."

"We usually took that from Selvig's department in the college where...oh! Oh!"

He could see realization dawn on her face and smiled. "All scientists lie. Write that down! One half of the trick is to find out how much they lie. Otherwise they will just mess around with you. The other half is to not let them know it. Otherwise they will just get sneakier."

They walked through the lobby and crossed the square to the R&D facilities. She struggled to keep up with his pace while typing in her little tablet until she finally resigned and put it away.

"And what are we going to do?"

He made a slight left turn to avoid a truck passing by. "We are going to inspect the labs. We'll start with Bruce Banner. He is the most difficult because of his bad experiences with authorities. If you can steer him you can steer anybody. And I like to know the people who have access to my office which isn't the case with you." He pushed the button for the elevator.

"So I'm under inspection too? I could print you my file, put it in a folder, send it around the country and lay it on your desk by tomorrow" she said and glared at him. Apparently she would not forget it.

"I know your file, Cupcake."

"With my highest respect, as far as I know when Shield decides to make a file about someone he or she can't hide anything, even if he or she tried."

He grinned and looked down at her.

She huffed. "I mean, I was sixteen! Didn't you do that when you were sixteen? Okay, maybe not, but it clearly is so not important for my job."

They stepped in the elevator.

"I mean the things that even our files cannot grasp. What are your expectations of your job?" She frowned and stared at the door. She probably knew how uttlery idiotic he sounded. It was unusual to wait for an answer from her and even more unusual to see her with a somber face.

When the doors were completely closed she answered. "I don't really know. At first I was angry that some super-secret organisation could tell me where to work just because I had the bad luck to know an Alien. Erik and Jane are geniuses and they are important for the organisation but I am just dead weight with a mouth and I know if I should be too much trouble...well. But it's not that bad. In any way it could be worse. I mean you could have just sent one of your guys to my home to...but now I have a job, I can pay back my student loan, there are some career opportunities and as my brother never gets tired to point out other people with a degree in political science are brewing coffee now."

"That organisation sounds intimidating."

She chuckled. "Yes. And they do nothing to look a little friendlier. They all wear black constantly and they never laugh and they don't tell you more than is absolutely necessary and you are never allowed to question them."

He frowned. "Sounds like a flaw in corporate culture. The leader of that organisation must be awful."

She laughed and clung tighter to her tablet.  
"He has his redeeming qualities" she answered when the doors opened and fixated the floor as if she wanted to memorize the pattern.

They walked through a labyrinth of hallways until they stopped in front of a two winged door.

He put in his badge in the lock but kept it shut. "Lesson one: We would never kill you, Darcy. Lesson two: Observe their flinching. The more flinching, the more secrets" he said and tore the door wide open.

A Petri dish fell out of Doctor Banner's hand and shattered into million pieces.

She hid her laughter behind the tablet.


	13. Chapter 12

**Summary:** An Avengers AU where our beloved characters are tortured in a rom-com. Inspired by a fake "Love-Vengers...Actually"-movie poster on tumblr.

**Pairings:**oh so many. To be exact: In "Love...actually" there are nine pairings of which there will be six in this story because I only used AVengers-characters (and Darcy) from the movie (and that still leads to at least two crack pairings...). I wouldn't want to write them down here because I think (hope...) that part of the fun will be to find the counterparts. Though if you want to know them, just ask.

**Warnings:** Spoilers for "The Avengers", "Thor" and "Love...actually". Non-beta'd and written by a non-native speaker/writer. Gratuitous attempt at writing in general.

**Disclaimer:** Neither affiliated with "The Avengers" nor with "Love...actually".

**Author's Note:** Hi! So...my very first attempt at publishing fanfiction. At first I intended to start five weeks before Christmas (like in "Love...actually") but of course I didn't finish until then thus I will just update at random and hope that it'll end before Christmas. Each chapter is told from another character's POV...I didn't even try to distribute it evenly...hope it will be readable anyway. As I only read a few comics and never a full arc the characters are modelled after the movie. Though it still needs quite some suspension of disbelief (apparently Hill was barely ever on a mission before...yeah, I know). You are warned. Have fun.

* * *

**Chapter 12:**

He had taken refuge in the tower ever since the last surprise inspection.  
He knew that he wouldn't show up again for at least another four months, he seemed to have some sort of cycle, but it nonetheless bugged him on a personal level and anyway he preferred the silence of the tower to the anthill that was HQ any day.

Just as he was sitting down for his second tea and the newspaper the phone rang.

It was Tony.

"Hey, Tony."

"Where the hell are you? I'm in the lab at Shield and..."

"It's nice to hear from you too. How was the honeymoon?"

He heard steps and then a chair being dragged over the floor. Apparently he sat down.

"Awesome. Didn't leave the bed for days..."

"God, too much, Tony!"

"...and I even forgot to check my phone. Pepper and Steve made me leave everything else at home, but I didn't miss anything. It was weird..."

"It's not weird, it's love, you dolt. And the weather?" He took a sip.

"Mediterranean winter. But I didn't see too much of that." He could hear Tony's grin through the phone. "But what happened in that damn week? I know we wouldn't be expected with roses and standing ovations but there was no one in the tower and Pepper dragged me to a meeting when I still had sand in my shoes and Hill is biting the skin off her fingers again.."

"Well, Natasha has gone on a mission, no contact and off the record and she isn't back yet and on Wednesday Thor destroyed parts of Iowa, South Dakota, Missouri and a mountain in Canada. Forgot the name. I don't know whether..."

"Wait, the tornado and the tectonic collapse were Thor?"

"That's what is in the papers. Clint and I flew up to bring him back. He wouldn't tell us much but I think Loki found out about Jane and had a blast and then Thor sort of collapsed...like the mountain, but mentally. And on the same day the council decided to send Loki and the Tesseract back. So in the last few days I was looking after a brooding Thor and a crying Selvig and on Wednesday Fury came for a surprise inspection and this time he had a secretary in tow."

He took a deep breath and put his hand on the warm cup and calmed the other one down. The next sentence was in a deep growl. "He looked into my fridge with the samples. He touched them."

He could hear Tony stand up. He was probably walking over to said fridge. "So...business as usual?" he asked.

He felt the other one crouch back again and laughed. "Pretty much."

"Listen, I have to go now, Pepper is aiming a gun at me...hey, leave that..." He heard other, louder footsteps from high heels. "Okay okay, I'm coming, just one second...Listen, actually there is Steve on the other line and he wanted to ask you a favour."

He took a deep breath and tried to concentrate. "Sure."

"We probably won't see each other before tomorrow evening, maybe even Wednesday because my gaoler here...okay, no, I'm sorry, because the best CEO in the world can't get enough of me..."

"It's okay. Maybe try and visit Thor first. He could use it."

"Sure. Anyway, be nice."

"I'm always nice."

"You know what I mean. See you."

Before he could say anything he heard a click and the line changed and he heard Steve's calm voice through the phone. "Bruce?"

He swallowed. "Yes. Hi." He grabbed his knee and pinched as hard as he could. "How was the honeymoon?"

"It was great, thanks. I've heard Thor's week was worse."

"Yeah, quite. So, what can I do for you?"

Steve's voice piped down. "It's only a tiny favour. I looked over the wedding pictures last night and you know how Tony is: If a stranger points a camera at him he puts on his Stark-Enterprise-smile. They're nice and all but I just remembered that you were filming at the ceremony and I thought that maybe I could watch it. I..."

He felt something crawl through his brain. "Oh, to be honest...I didn't really, you know..."

"Please, Bruce. I would just like to have one picture with his real smile. I saw it all day long at the wedding, but..."

"I'll have a look" he said defensively. "Though I'm pretty sure I wiped it. It was my old camcorder. Anyway, have to go now. Bye."

As if it was on fire he hanged up and threw the phone over the table.


	14. Chapter 13

**Summary:** An Avengers AU where our beloved characters are tortured in a rom-com. Inspired by a fake "Love-Vengers...Actually"-movie poster on tumblr.

**Pairings:**oh so many. To be exact: In "Love...actually" there are nine pairings of which there will be six in this story because I only used AVengers-characters (and Darcy) from the movie (and that still leads to at least two crack pairings...). I wouldn't want to write them down here because I think (hope...) that part of the fun will be to find the counterparts. Though if you want to know them, just ask.

**Warnings:** Spoilers for "The Avengers", "Thor" and "Love...actually". Non-beta'd and written by a non-native speaker/writer. Gratuitous attempt at writing in general.

**Disclaimer:** Neither affiliated with "The Avengers" nor with "Love...actually".

**Author's Note:** Hi! So...my very first attempt at publishing fanfiction. At first I intended to start five weeks before Christmas (like in "Love...actually") but of course I didn't finish until then thus I will just update at random and hope that it'll end before Christmas. Each chapter is told from another character's POV...I didn't even try to distribute it evenly...hope it will be readable anyway. As I only read a few comics and never a full arc the characters are modelled after the movie. Though it still needs quite some suspension of disbelief (apparently Hill was barely ever on a mission before...yeah, I know). You are warned. Have fun.

* * *

**Chapter 13:**

She didn't know whether it was the knowledge that they were on the same continent again or the fact that she had to run after him all day long because he was full of energy again but she felt so tired she could feel every bone in her feet.

Maybe it was so difficult because she had learnt how easy doing business with Shield could be if he would go on an eternal vacation and for a heartbeat she felt bad but then the nail of her little toe dug into its neighbour and she almost winced with pain.

She needed a holiday too.

It was cold outside and in the flare of the light above the main entrance she could see that frost was growing on the ground. A sharp, biting wind flew over the square and she felt it go right through her blouse. With numb fingers she picked her phone out of the bag and dialled for Happy.

He answered after the first ring. "I'm sorry, Pep" he shouted and she held it away from her ear. "There's an accident but I'm passing it right now. I'll need five minutes more. Pep?"

"Yes, I can hear you. I can hear you without phone. Please hurry."

She didn't wait for an answer and hung up again. For three seconds she contemplated to stand under the light and wait, then the wind blew under her skirt and she jumped back into the entrance hall.  
She knew that there were always personnel at Shield but it was uncanny to be the only one in the dimmed entrance hall. She hobbled to a chair in the middle of the room and sank down.

She thought of her tasks and meetings tomorrow and tried to remember what the eleven-appointment would be about but she couldn't remember all of it and so she bent down for her bag and looked for her agenda. When she looked up again she heard the arrival of an elevator.

It was him.

She felt the urge to crawl under the table or at least stay immobile so he might think she was just a shadow but of course he saw her immediately.

Of course they would meet that way, when she was at her worst, clothes wrinkled, a run in her stocking and after ten hours with no reapplication of lipstick.

He walked towards her, wrapped in a warm winter jacket, scarf and cap. "Bye, Pepper."

"Bye Erik." She smiled.

He walked past her and out of the door and just when she thought that he hesitated and maybe, probably, please, might walk back and sit down next to her and ask her about her day she heard her phone beep in her pocket.

He heard it too and with one last smile he turned around and disappeared in the dark.

She couldn't hold back and bit on her fist. Whoever called her would suffer she promised to herself when she looked on the screen.

It was JARVIS. She closed her eyes and forced her anger down. Maybe that was how Bruce always felt.

"Hey, JARVIS. How's life?"


	15. Chapter 14

**Summary:** An Avengers AU where our beloved characters are tortured in a rom-com. Inspired by a fake "Love-Vengers...Actually"-movie poster on tumblr.

**Pairings:**oh so many. To be exact: In "Love...actually" there are nine pairings of which there will be six in this story because I only used AVengers-characters (and Darcy) from the movie (and that still leads to at least two crack pairings...). I wouldn't want to write them down here because I think (hope...) that part of the fun will be to find the counterparts. Though if you want to know them, just ask.

**Warnings:** Spoilers for "The Avengers", "Thor" and "Love...actually". Non-beta'd and written by a non-native speaker/writer. Gratuitous attempt at writing in general.

**Disclaimer:** Neither affiliated with "The Avengers" nor with "Love...actually".

**Author's Note:** Hi! So...my very first attempt at publishing fanfiction. At first I intended to start five weeks before Christmas (like in "Love...actually") but of course I didn't finish until then thus I will just update at random and hope that it'll end before Christmas. Each chapter is told from another character's POV...I didn't even try to distribute it evenly...hope it will be readable anyway. As I only read a few comics and never a full arc the characters are modelled after the movie. Though it still needs quite some suspension of disbelief (apparently Hill was barely ever on a mission before...yeah, I know). You are warned. Have fun.

* * *

**Chapter 14:**

People trained to intrigue, spy and kill, thus basically living apart from the normal world, were not prone to follow normal world's custom.  
It had never occurred to him before but indeed there was not one sign of Christmas at Shield, it was was if all personnel had agreed on a silent pact to ignore it.

Or better, there used to be none, but now, as he was waiting and walking around he saw it: On the empty desk in the very back of the pencil pushers' room was a little Christmas tree in a pot, decorated with golden tinsel and what seemed to be Chocolate tree balls. Next to the tree stood a plastic snowman with a tinsel around his neck. He checked his watch once again and looked down the hall but as there was no sign of Nat yet, so he walked into the room.

The office workers were all busy and barely anyone spared him a glance. He fumbled one of the chocolate balls off the tree and inspected the snowman. If his memory was right he had seen those before. He started to squeeze the snowman. When he pushed down the cylinder the singing started. The women closest to the desk turned around, all glaring at him angrily.

Someone in the front started shouting: "Damn it, Darcy! If I hear that stupid thing one more time..."

He waited until the squeaky, tinny interpretation of 'jingle bells' had ceased, pushed it a second time and turned around.

"What are you doing?" someone shouted across the room.

"Darcy, for fuck's sake, put it off!"

She stood between the two desks in front of him, a pack of paper under her arm. "I didn't do anything!" she yelled to the front and turned to him again.

"It's your fucking snowman!"

"Stop shouting, guys!", someone else hollered.

He grinned.

"Are you eating my chocolate?" she asked and walked over.

"Yeah." He threw the paper in the bin. "Thanks for that."

"Are you an agent?" she asked.

The woman right in front of her turned around. "Darcy, meet Agent Clint Barton. He's the reason why we can't have nice things."

Her eyes widened as she recognized his name and his mood sank. It was time to go. "Lovely as ever...Molly?", he mocked.

The secretary rolled her eyes and turned around again.

He was halfway out of the room when Darcy spoke again. "Hey, Agent!"

He turned around and saw something fly at his face and caught it with his left hand. She held up both thumbs. It was another chocolate ball. He raised his free thumb as well and went out.

He walked back to Phil's office but they were still not finished.

Absently chewing on the chocolate he walked down the hallway again when he saw Pepper coming out of one of the offices.

When she saw him she smiled. "Why you of all people?"

He ran up to her and followed her through the corridor. "Nice to see you too, Virginia. Any progress with our matchmaking plan?"

She thrust her laptop-case into his ribs. "No! And there will never be any, he's too good for me!"

"How true!"

She frowned and slapped him once again. He slapped back.

"Ouch! Don't hit me!", she said and slapped back.

"Then stop hitting me!"

They laughed and hit each other until they reached the elevators. While they were waiting and slapping her phone went off and she heaved her load on her right arm.

He huffed and threw his arms in the air. "And there's your phone."

She stuck her tongue out and disappeared in the elevator.

He waved until the doors were closed all the way, then he grabbed his phone as well. She answered after the fourth dial.

"Mia."

"Hey there."

He heard a tray being put on a table. "Clint! I wanted to call you. Thanks for the job."

He grinned. "What job?"

She laughed. Glass clinked and he heard water from a faucet. "I know the place where your Christmas party is, I've already been there. It is full of dark corners for...dark deeds."

He walked back through the hallway, looking behind, but no one could be seen. "Right. But how can you do...dark deeds when you are busy carrying trays full of drinks?"

"Well, I guess I'll have to put it down. Unless you prefer a drink over me."

He stopped two doors before Phil's office. "Never."

"Good, because up until now my dark deeds have never gone unpunished. I'm looking forward to that night."

The flow of the water ceased and he heard an angry voice in the background. He had to clear his throat violently. "I think there is someone waiting for you."

"Not as much as I am waiting for you" she answered.

His tongue stuck to his throat and he couldn't tear it off until he heard the beeping of the empty line and when the door finally opened and Nat came out he still had the phone pressed at his ear.


End file.
